Reasons I Should Be the next Martha Stewart


I know. The resemblance is uncanny.

Oh Martha. Queen of all things homemaking. With her vast domestic empire, something most women (& some men) can only dream of, she is sitting on top of the world absentmindedly tending to her french press & serving crumpets to Ja Rule and Sinatra while they have a good laugh at us mortals trying to figure out instant coffee and crock pots. Living every girl’s dream, she has her own magazine, TV show, cookbooks, even a vineyard (maybe that wasn’t named after her..?). She is a force to be reckoned with, even in her old(ish) age. Housewives aspire to be her. FoodNetwork stars fear her. Gay men love her. Straight men love her. Everyone wants a piece of Martha, & for obvious reasons. She’s completely brilliant and gives zero f^*Ks. She doesn’t even get sick. Cue the music. Yes, sent from the cupcake gods, Martha is the DIY deity. But I hate to be the bearer of bad news- Marth isn’t going to be around forever. Kind of like the once popular corduroy fabric- they’re simply not destined for immortality, no matter how high they fly (or flew). And when the time comes, I don’t see why I shouldn’t be next in line to the throne, so to speak. I am so qualified to be the next Martha Stewart, and here is why.

Things Martha & I have in common.

We both:

… excel at breakfast. In case you missed it, I am a certified breakfast food connoisseurAnd of course Martha has her fair share of quality recipes too.

… craft like there’s no tomorrow. In fact, it’s been said that my best xmas gifts were the homemade ones.

… have effortlessly colorful vocabularies.

… are twitter enthusiasts with lots of important things to say. I’m kind of a big deal. People know me.

… have the ability to captivate large audiences. I’ve got the home videos to prove it. If I had my own show, the masses would plan their day around it. Similarly, watching Martha roast garlic in her gorgeous kitchen is downright mesmerizing.

… come from Polish heritage. It’s probable that we’re related.

… undaunted by a little risk taking. As evidenced by her little brush with the law (#prison). Similarly, I got a speeding ticket my freshman year, as well as a portfolio of detentions in high school. We’ve both rebounded better than anyone would have predicted.

When it comes to our haterswe can’t be bothered with peasants. Don’t they know how perfect we are?

At times, we can be cold as ice. But let’s be honest, Rachel Ray really is subpar.

We’re both green-thumbs, with a knack for nurturing plant-life. I have an aloe plant. Martha has a farm. Both are thriving.

Despite our alleged egomania, we’re super hospitable.

New York Magazine has declared Martha “the definitive American woman of our time”, according to the all knowing wikipedia page. Ironically, I’ve also been described as such by my peers.

Believe it or not, we’re both feline lovers. According to my loving family, I have a promising future as a cat lady, which has caused me significant distress & has been severely insulting, at best, until I realized that it’s just one more commonality between Martha and me…ow


And of course there’s our shared love for Snoop Dizzle (another member of the effortlessly colorful vocabulary club), as well as our unrivaled
 taste in tastefully tacky christmas sweaters.


Of capital importance is our ability to laugh & have a good time, even at work. Especially at work.

Once a pot lover always a pot lover, says Lady Stewart, and I couldn’t agree more.

So Martha, when you’re no longer interested in teaching all those pitiful muggles how to flan, shoot me an email & I’ll be happy to rule your empire for you. I think you’ll agree that I am qualified for the task. Dare I say, overqualified? 


Day 160. 


One thought on “Reasons I Should Be the next Martha Stewart

  1. Pingback: SPIRIT ANIMALS REVEALED | 365 Days of Nothing in Particular

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s