“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson.
I can give you that and so much more, Ron. Someday you’ll see.
As a self-proclaimed breakfast enthusiast, it was only a matter of time before I set aside some time to reflect & praise the oh so essential meal that is breakfast. Through the ups and downs of living, breakfast has always been there for me- the one constant in my life. When asked about my passions, I’ll surely mention breakfast- probably right after I talk about sleeping. Appropriately labelled as the most important meal of the day, breakfast is something to be celebrated, and that’s just what I intend to do.
Things I like about breakfast
The fountain of youth. A staple to any satisfying breakfast, chocolate milk (melk, mulk) is a sacred beverage that deserves much praise. I don’t go to waffle house often, and never voluntarily, but when I do find myself in this regretful situation, I’m usually drunk, but more to the point- I know that chocolate milk is a delicacy that not even the waffle housers can ruin. In short, chocolate milk makes the world go round. I don’t need to elaborate.
Hash Browns / Tots
Self explanatory. Napoleon knows. Go find your own.
The recently discovered Tortilla Española aka the Spanish Omlet
Holy holy. If you don’t know what this is, I feel sad for you.
First and foremost, do not attempt to make a span om without someone of Spanish descent by your side. I tried to make my own after having been in Spain (home of the SPANISH omelette), and it was a true potato massacre that shall not be attempted by me ever again. At 3 am, the night after I had gotten home from abroad, clearly still on Euro time, pining for the Spanish culture that I had reluctantly left behind, I couldn’t sleep.
So, I decided to turn the rhinehart kitchen into la cucina del Espana (?) and try my hand at the Spanish omelet. The result, an oily pile of lukewarm potato and egg. A very botched attempt at integrating the Spanish culture I luv into my old Kentucky home. It’s a good thing I’m not an explorer responsible for bringing back the secret wonders of Spain to my people for the first time ever, because I would’ve been tarred and feathered for my presentation. It was bad. Luckily, the crime was committed in the wee hours of the morn & thus, no one was subjected to this culinary treachery but me. Never again. Moral of the story is that my failure in creating this breakfast delight has only strengthened the need for me to have the span om back in my life sooner.
Spell check has informed me that it is spelled OMELET not omlette. Nobody’s perfect.
Cereal (with soymilk. It will change your life)
When I say cereal I mean Cheerios, Kix, Lucky Charms, Reesee Puffs, and the Kashi black currant/walnut situation. I like them all so much, don’t make me pick a favorite. If you have any self-respect, you add blueberries, banana slices, or strawbs to your cereal.
Beer. for breakfast (Gasp!)
It’s a charmed life I live. And part of that charm involves the luxury of indulging in una cerveza for breakfast if I please. It gets me in the right mindset for the day, which is to kick ass, laugh, and be a good person.
Egg Sammiches more commonly known as bfast sams
If there’s one thing in the whole world I’m good at, it’s constructing one of these beasts. It’s my niche. My cup of tea. What I do. I’m the drunchies bfast sam wizard and I’m proud to serve my peers. Below is a sample of my breakfast sandwich portfolio.
- Always serve with a cold glass of milk. I have received much ridicule for drinking milk out of wine glasses, but haters gonna hate, amirite? I urge you to opt for milk consumption via wine glass. It’s the best possible way to start your day, showing the world how sophisticated & regal you are as well as how few f–ks you give.
- Know when & when not to use cheese
- Always use cheese
- Experiment with your bread options or risk being shunned from the breakfast community. Think croissants, waffles, pizza, knaan, banana bread, baguette bread, sourdough anything, english mufflin, cinnamon raisin stuff, biscuits (I guess…), bagels (all the flavors), pancake, pita bread, cornbread, the list goes on. Avoid non human buns of any sort. But regardless of what choice of bread you select, it MUST be toasted/warm.
- On that same note, the stranger the ingredients the better (usually). Get weird with it.
- Adding potato chips isn’t frowned upon. (I never said they were supposed to be healthy sams)
- Integrate leftovers. Like the leftover from din, cheesy-potato sex pictured on the croissant in the second photo.
Breakfast Burritos / Tacos
Similar to bfast sams, but not at all the same. The presence of the tortilla brings us into entirely new territory, south of the border, if you will. In the breakfast burrito realm, salsa is required. If you want to break the rules, I guess you can be an asshole & just put anything on it, but you risk offending the breakfast food elite. If that’s a risk you’re willing to take, bravo. But, a breakfast burrito must follow the rules of Mexican cuisine. A true bfast burrito includes following: Tortilla, Salsa (or gypsy salsa which is just toms, onion, jalaps chopped), Cheese, Eggs (or else it wouldn’t be breakfast). Same for its taco counterpart.
Strongly encouraged, but permissible for poor people/peasants to omit – Avocado &/or Guac, black bean something, corn, chorizo/sausage/bacon if you’re into that, potato involvement, sour cream, peppers, more jalaps, the hot sauce of your persuasion.
Burrito translates to “little donkey”.
The kale kind. Delicious in my mouth, these smoothies are nutritious to the point where it actually feels like I’m turning into Wolverine when I drink one. With some kale in your system, your nails will even grow at the same rate that his do. Just make sure you leave out the non-leafy stalk or risk experiencing a horrific, crunchy beverage consistency.
What is involved in one of these hideous looking dranks?
Kale – more not less.
Strawberries, sometimes pineapple, &/or peaches
Banana half of one
Handful of almonds
Some melk or OJ
JUST WING IT.
(Pretty much any combination of ingredients/fruit you have that will mask the flavor of the wicked kale, feel free to just Dump. It. In. and blend. at 7 am and wake your roommates up!)
It’s a Louisville thing so don’t bother trying to find her (Nancy) elsewhere. If you are ever in my ciudad, it would be
A F*KING MISTAKE DAMN SHAME regretful if you didn’t stop at Nancy’s. Above is how much I love her and them (The bagels). I am truly obsessed, and I don’t even really like most bagels that much. The Sundried tomato bagel with cream chez, I whole heartedly recommend.
Pizza. For breakfast.
Here I am on Christmas morning 2011, treating myself. I look rough here & it is because I was in the throes of an apocalyptic hangover. I realize this is no justification for my shorts to be pulled up so high, nor does it explain why I look sunburned, but I digress… The angelic creature I call Mother must have telepathic tendencies because (#Blessed) I was greeted at the door on this memorable christmas morning with a fresh, cold mimosa placed into my hand and pressed against my lips like the blood of christ, amen. Mimosas are a delight and I don’t see nothin’ wrong with adding them to the breakfast menu more often.
Muffins — Lemon poppyseed.
Pancakes — Only when my mum makes them.
Greek Yogurt — I’m a 22 y/o caucasian female. Obviously, greek yogurt.
Toaster Strudels — Those icing packets are like crack