How I Feel About Imbibing the Various Alcohols

 

Beer: After one natty too many throughout my college career, I have become a beer snob. If you approach me at a bar & ask “can I buy you a drink, miss?”, you will probably regret it (for a variety of reasons, but I’ll stick to the relevant one). I always offer the option to let them just pick because “ohhhh I don’t care, whatever you’re having”. Then when they say nah you gotta pick. Fine. Bells Two Hearted Ale, or the most expensive hipster IPA in this joint. And then we’re doing whiskey shots because I’m a lady. If you want me to order the 1 dollar, bottled rat piss because it’s cheaper than any drinkable beer, I will be more than happy to hold that in my hand for the rest of the night- the cold bottle will be nice for my sweaty palms. The whiskey proposal elicits a completely different and hilarious reaction from my victim new friend & their response is a very good way to judge their gentlemanly character. I am still single by the way, but you’ve probably already come to that conclusion on your own.

Wine: I watched the movie “Sideways” recently, and I am so happy that wine snobs exist because they make me feel better about myself as a person for not acting that way. I love wine, but I couldn’t possibly distinguish one wine from another unless the colors are different. What a great hobby though.  My only gripe about wine is that I can’t drink red wine without looking like a maroon sharpie exploded in my mouth. Also the hangover. But anything that is paired with cheese is naturally going to have an important place in my life.

Bourbon/Whiskey: As a former Kentuckian and alleged southerner (debatable), my opinion is that Bourbon and whiskey are magnificent creations. Whiskey neat after a round of golf with the pops, while I do my crossword puzzle and watch jeopardy. Yes, I am a 65 year old man enjoying retirement. It’s a thug life I live.

Vodka: A pointless liquor. I can literally think of zero drinks made with vodka that I would willingly consume. If I had to pick, Red Bull and vodka is the only one that comes to mind. An interesting duo. Separate, the two are bleh, but together they form a concoction that is drinkable, I suppose. I look forward to my heart explosion.  Also, I just have to express my horror about something here. I have friends who order a “vodka & water” at the bars. A cup of water with vodka inside it. I don’t understand…

Gin: I like that gin & tonic, yo, but is this stuff made from a pine tree or something? Aside from the gin and tonic I don’t think gin serves any other purpose, and that is perfectly fine with me.

Tequila: Only if it’s done right. Taking shots of tequila is significantly more fun than taking any other genre of shot because there are so many elements to the event- first the salt lick where you get to lick your unsanitary hand too, the shot itself is delish, as long as you don’t order toilet tequila, and that lime as a souvenir. How fun! And margaritas, but that’s obvious.

Rum: Always good. & such a versatile liquid. As long as it is not Lady Bligh or Admiral Nelson.

Scotch: Scotch? Never liked the stuff.  The only time I have experienced scotch was via shot and that was foul. In all fairness, I don’t think that’s the way you are supposed to drink it but mehh.

Honorable mentions:

Four Lokos:  For each loko I consumed freshman year (there were numerous), I have probably shaved 5 years off my life. This toxic fluid was a popular choice amongst underagers because just one can would get you drunk, and it was easy to obtain without a real I.D.  What a regretful life phase.

Sangria: I had a love affair over the summer with Sangria. I had never heard of white sangria, but when I tasted it, I just about died. The one I had was made with lemons and it was so good I think it might have given me back the several years of life I lost from the Lokos.

Sangria

Bushwhackers: I don’t even know what is involved in a bushwhacker, but anything that tastes like a milkshake & gets you drunk merits acknowledgement on this blog. A liquor milkshake! Too good to be true? Nay, it exists. Thank you, Nashville.

Absinthe: In my professional opinion, this green fairy liqueur nonsense is not only overrated, but also disgusting and pointless in that it is non-hallucinatory, contrary to what everyone pretends. There is nothing appealing about it, except its nice green color.

Day 60

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