Laments of A Lamenter

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la·ment – noun :an expression of regret or disappointment; a complaint.
                    verb: express regret or disappointment over something considered unsatisfactory, unreasonable, or unfair.

I am but a lowly college student. This is my ceiling. This is my story:

I am not homeless, though sometimes I’m not so sure. Admittedly, my current living situation is not really as bad as I like to complain it is. However, the misfortunes that college students face with off campus housing are often amusing, but more frequently, appalling. I’ve seen some things & I’ve heard some stories. But the other morning I woke up to an intriguing text from my brother, “Somebody living in your basement?” with a link to a video, so I watched it, & ever since, I have felt as close to outraged as I’ll ever feel. Like I said, I’ve seen some things, but this. This is just absurd. Nauseating. A slew of profanities I could, but won’t, use. I could go on, but you get the gist.

http://thelantern.com/2013/09/ohio-state-students-discover-stranger-living-basement/

A man living in their apartment? I’m sorry. I can’t.  This story truly disgusts me. Those guys live on my street. Just houses away. WHAT?! The worst part is, I’m not even surprised that something like this has happened.

It’s bad enough that students have to deal the very legitimate fear of being tied up in our basements / held up at gunpoint in our own homes.  The last thing we need to deal with is the nonsense from rental companies & landlords, like having potentially dangerous Jeremies living in our basements.

And so, I propose a toast, to Jeremy & company, for inspiring this post. Probably my longest post yet, and perhaps ever for this blog.

Note: If you’re not fluent in sarcasm, you probably shouldn’t even try reading this.

Before I let myself rant, I feel the need to acknowledge that I am beyond fortunate in nearly all aspects of my life, excluding my awkward running posture & bunions (um, gross?). I am not a brat who just likes to complain about how seemingly horrible her nice life is. But, sometimes, unfortunate happenings happen, and I then wonder, WHAT wretched thing have I done to my  landLORDS  to make them want to smite me so?  So, if you would like to read about these unfortunate events, I shall share them with you all, because, although none of my memoirs compare to the story mentioned above, I still think they are amusing & simultaneously grotesque. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. But mostly, you’ll probably just be glad you don’t still live in that college dump you once called home.

My current abode is actually the least vile of the horrors in which I have resided.  That being said, even my current dwelling is far from habitable. My freshman year dorm was a sight. Even worse was the first apartment my friends and I lived / survived in our sophomore year. After these two living situations, I suppose my current apartment seems tolerable. But only just. So, without further ado, I proudly? present, a list of landlord induced atrocities that I have survived (thus far, at least):

1. My bedroom ceiling tiles – yes tiles, like the ones in your elementary school that are no doubt incubating black mold – experience occasional leaks of fluid, the likes of which I’ve never seen (well…except for that one time in our bathtub. See #7)

2. The rooms at my house now can be illuminated with the most flattering industrial-style, fluorescent lighting. Like, thanks, but I’d rather just sit in the dark.

3. I’m expecting the cops to show up any day now because of the (what can only be assumed to be) corpse that has been rotting somewhere in our kitchen and/or refrigerator/freezer for the past two years. I mean, I’m a germophobe & my roommate is an OCD clean freak, but even at its cleanest, this place is still unfortunate.

4. Our back porch is falling off & away from the building, which is probably unsafe considering the porch is on the 2nd level of our building. Given my pudgy build, I don’t go out there, although I wouldn’t trust even a toothpick to do so and not collapse the porch.

5. I’ve made friends with the other inhabitants – some breed of bug that I hadn’t encountered in my life until living in this apartment. Maybe it’s the previous residents who never get to leave, like it’s the landlords curse or something – I’ll let you know about this one in a few months. If any Kafka-esque happenings occur, just burn the place down.

6. Two thick, black cables run floor to ceiling in the middle of my wall. Feng Shui? How thoughtful!

At this point, I hope you’re picking up on my sarcasm because I’m laying it on pretty thick

7. Our freshman year dorm had a shower/bathtub inside our 3 person room. Halfway through the year, the tub spontaneously filled up about 3/4ths of the way with dark gray/black fluid. NOT NATURAL. After seeing this, I’ll never be the same again. Some things you just can’t un-see/smell.

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Of course, they rebuilt our dorm the next year & now it looks like this. So, not in shambles. 

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8. To no ones surprise, it took some time (decades) for maintenance to address the tub toxic waste that was living in our bathtub…. Though, by the time our gas masks arrived, they started working on it.

9. Did I mention the layers of dust that lined the ceilings of our dorm.

10. Did I mention also, the thick chunks of dust caked on the high rise ceiling & ceiling fan at apt #2? Maintenance finally addressed this issue by the time Spring quarter ended. Thanks guys! We didn’t need the fan anyways (Yes we did).

11. When we tried moving into our 2nd apartment after living in the dorms, it hadn’t been cleaned, doors were off hinges, mold in the tubs, & someone was already living there – cockroaches. (Shoutout to OSU Property Management/ the devil for such a grand experience).

12. A pleasure it was to navigate our kitchen that year with the tile floors cracked leaving jagged ceramic shards exposed to our delicate limbs here & there.  “I’m gonna grab a snack, let me just go put on my boots & body armor real quick”.

MailArmorCoif

13. That one time when landlord #2 forgot to pay our water bill so we went without water for 5 days straight. LOL! No toilet going, dish washing, teeth-brushing, showering, hydrating, hand washing, hygiene-ing of any sort. That was fun. It was also probably illegal, I think, on the landlord’s part. Bastard. Luckily my roommates boyfriend lived close, so they basically had 4 girls squatting at their house for a week.

14. Our current hell hole has a ghost named Toby. We are respectful of one another.

15. The doorknob on my closet comes out of its slot every time I open the door… But it takes like 5 minutes to get it back in. This may seem like a minor inconvenience, but after the jillionth time it gets a little old.

16. Judging by the scalding water that never fails to mutilate my hands, our kitchen sink is a direct connection to satan himself (which explains Toby). But I guess boiling devil water is better than no water (refer back to #13).

17. The carpet. Everything is wrong with the carpet.

18. My bike was sawed – yes, SAWED – off of our wooden porch railing a few years ago. I mean, someone must have really thought that one through. Pre-meditated thievery.  Who casually/discretely carries a hand saw around with them??? “Oh it’s just for if I see a nice (in my case, rusty) bike that I might like to have”….. No.  I guess I’ll consider that my contribution to Columbus charities for the year of 2011.

19. That was one of our more charitable years. We also were “robbed” by a homeless man, whom I had the pleasure of encountering in our kitchen one morning, after the mirror lake jump. He just sauntered on in & helped himself to my roommates debit card (…as if college students have any money) & her ancient iPod touch LOL. Nice snag bro? Considering he missed the laptop & backpack full of cash (Not as sketchy as it sounds), I’d say it’s pretty evident we’d been ransacked by one of the best & brightest that the homeless community of Columbus has to offer.

19. And the bugs. Oh the bugs.  I actually killed three during the time I’ve been writing this. Seriously. I did. There’s probably one perched on my pillow, waiting for me to come to bed as we speak.

20. I think you get the point.

So, each morning, as I open my eyes to behold any number of these atrocities in the godforsaken apartment in which I reside, I repeat my mantra, “This is only temporary. I’m almost out”.  But Jesus, I wonder how much Espestus Aspecstus Ouspectius (4th time’s the charm) Asbestos  I have been inhaling throughout the past 4 1/2 years of college.  I remind myself, less than 100 days until I graduate. I can make it. A clean home is just around the bend. But alas, I have a feeling the damage has already been done. My lungs and my pores are probably caked with mold & filled with dust. There is debris permanently encrusted on my feet. Shards of our tile floor have made themselves at home in my heels. The innumerable bug bits I have squashed over the years have permanently made their way into my DNA & I’ll soon turn into some unrecognizable creature that society will shun (what is she talking about??…). It’s all in good fun though. As the mirror lake video clearly indicates, all college students are animals. Heathens. And we should be treated as such. The standards of acceptable, sanitary living conditions clearly can & should be lowered for us.

I’m being sarcastic.

I just hope we don’t encounter a Jeremy lurking in our attic anytime soon. But, I’m sure not gonna go looking.

<Insert profanities here>!!!!
DAY 46 of 365

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One thought on “Laments of A Lamenter

  1. Pingback: Luminous | 365 Days of Nothing in Particular

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